Today is the kind of day where I have to choose what I am going to do. Oddly enough, I am not alone in this routine. But I wake up, and choose to get out of bed, or I chose to keep my eyes closed for a little longer. If I choose to get up, I must then choose to either eat breakfast, or begin my day. It's later in the day that I make the most difficult of choices, do I go to an audition, or stay in and write some more? Do I take this job even though the thought of meeting new people makes my chest contract, or do I help make myself feel safe at home? Do I attempt to socialize with other human beings, or continue to live a hermit existence where only I can know the extent of my work? These choices may not seem like a whole lot to consider from an outside perspective, but they are the battles that I have to overcome on a daily bases. As an actor, these are harder battles for me to overcome aside from winning an audition or getting seen. These are the battles that define me on a daily bases. And these are the battles that not a lot of people understand.
I have called myself an actor from the age of 15. Now, nearly a decade later, I'm struggling to continue to call myself by the very title that I have set out to achieve. Mostly because I'm not sure I personify everything an "actor" is supposed to be. According to all of the submission requests I keep receiving, an actor is supposed to be charming, interesting, funny, beautiful, but most of all an actor is supposed to be "fit". Or "athletic", or "thin", or, or whatever trigger word suits you best.
This little pity party isn't coming out of left field. I've recently decided to focus on my acting and writing careers by auditioning and going to background gigs as much as possible instead of maintaining part-time jobs. I've always known that this career path would never be easy, and I've particularly known that my castability is somewhat limited, but I never thought I would question myself, my strength, and my self-esteem as much as I have in the last 3 months...at least not as much as I questioned myself in my emo/goth-wannabe days which are way behind me.